When you wake up the day after losing your baby, your world just falls apart all over again.

On the 8th of May 2020 at 11.17pm our son Van was born still. It was hard to accept when we arrived at the hospital a mere hour and 17mins earlier, and we were both fine, but unfortunately life can be unfair and during labour, cord prolapse took his life.

Nothing makes it ok and nothing can change what happened but we are so lucky in so many ways too. The care we received that night from our hospital staff and the next day was nothing short of amazing. The heartbreak clear on everyone’s faces as they spoke to us about what happens next and what we had to do, was hard but also comforting.

We were able to have photos taken of Van and to be able to hold him and hug and kiss him as long as we wanted. It was difficult at the time to hold him when he felt so cold, but those photos and those memories are everything to me now, and I’m so glad for that. I wish now we had have had more time but when you’re in such a state of shock it’s so hard to function rationally.

It’s hard to explain how you feel after birth, when you’re preparing to go home without your baby. Not only walking out with empty arms, but knowing that in no way are you ready to organise a funeral for your baby, or anything else that goes along with it.

Leaving Van in the hospital felt like losing him all over again and trying to tell myself that we were only separated from his body not his soul is all that kept me going.

These were all steps in a journey I hadn’t planned for. A journey I never thought we’d have to take. But unfortunately, stillbirths and miscarriages happen, and they can happen to anyone. All we can do is love and support the people that it happens to, and make sure they know they are not alone.

We love and miss you everyday Van. You are always with us and never forgotten x

Stephanie is mother to Van, born still on the May 8th, 2020.