6.09.2023 the day we said hello & goodbye to our baby girl Savannah.

Grief & loss were no stranger of ours.

We had spent the best part of three years desperately trying to start a family, negative pregnancy tests lay piled together in the bathroom drawers and in a little box underneath a handful of positive tests were the only reminder of the babies that didn’t make it earthside.

Our bank accounts drained from fertility treatments and our hearts empty as we faced the possibility of never becoming ‘mum & dad’

Then in May 2023 a change in fate ..

A successful IVF transfer and a HCG level stronger than ever before.

A glimmer of hope!

Weeks past as I held every breathe desperately waiting for the first scan.

The day came and I’ll never forget my body uncontrollably shaking, my experience with scans usually ends with the same four words ‘sorry, there’s no heartbeat’

But this time? This time was different, there right before our eyes was a flicker, a tiny little fighter, our miracle!

I was still cautious and I was scared to be excited.

However weeks flew by, each scan looking perfect.

We had our NIPT Test, results were excellent & we found out we were having a little girl.

There were alot of happy tears that night.

Things started to feel real, I could picture her, I envisioned mum & daughter days, my tiny little best friend.

We decorated her nursery, we picked out a name.

I had a cupboard full of clothes and a heart full of love.

20 weeks came, I started to feel her little movements & finally I let my guard down.

This is it, this is the miracle rainbow baby we’ve been waiting for!

A few weeks later I noticed that there was a decrease in movement, I told myself not to overreact. I was very anxious given that we had endured so much heartbreak already but I was really trying to enjoy the pregnancy now so I assured myself it was nothing to worry about.

Day two of almost no movement, I’m starting to worry. There had been quiet days before though and I was determined not to let myself spiral, I distinctively remember thinking ‘there’s no way life would be so cruel, everything is fine’

That night I told myself if there was no movement by lunchtime the next day I would go get checked out.

Day three, it’s mid morning & I decided to call the health line.

I describe my symptoms and I’m told to go immediately to the nearest hospital.

The emergency team take me over to the maternal section.

I watched mother after mother go in, get checked out & be OK

I could even hear the heartbeats of their babies through the room next door and I remember thinking ‘everyone has been fine, I’ll be the same’

I was the last person left in the waiting room, I get called in and they start running the Doppler over my belly but there is no heartbeat.

The lady says ‘don’t worry, it’s common at this gestation to not find it using the Doppler, I’ll bring in the ultrasound machine’

She wheels the machine in, pops the gel on my belly and starts to scan.

I can see the outline of my babies face on the screen, she’s facing me and she’s perfectly still.

There is silence but the nurse very calmly says ‘I’m going to get the doctor now’

The doctor comes in, he is now running the ultrasound wand all over my belly and they are both completely silent for what feels like an eternity.

I am the one to break the silence and I say ‘it’s OK you can stop, I can see that there is no heartbeat’

They both drop to their knees and hold my hands at each side and say ‘I’m so sorry’

You know in movie scenes where someone is in hospital and the room is spinning and it’s like they are outside of their own body?

That’s exactly what the next few hours felt like.

I remember hearing ‘who can we call for you?’

I remember handing my phone to them so they could call my husband

I remember the head doctor coming in to discuss birthing options

I remember thinking how can I answer any of these questions right now knowing my baby is dead!

There was a 48 hour waiting period between finding out Savannah had died & getting into a birthing suite for her delivery.

48 hours back at home where everything I saw was a reminder of the life I thought we would share together.

It was torture.

When I first got home I didn’t even know what to do with myself so I just sat in the bottom of the shower.

I remember crying but there was no sound coming out, my entire back seized up as I was in so much shock and emotional pain that my body couldn’t even move.

We delivered our sweet baby girl on the 16/09/2023 at 8:46pm

Walking out of the hospital with a box of items instead of a baby was one of the hardest moments of my life, watching other mums leave with their little newborn babies and wondering how life could be so cruel.

Our journey ended up being 5 years long, we are now parents of a beautiful baby boy named Archie & he is our entire world.

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly difficult and I do want people to know that even with a happy ending the grief never leaves you, it gets easier with time but it’s always with you.

Losing my daughter and witnessing life and death unfold like that has made me very focused on my own mortality, the change in my perspective of life and how incredibly precious every single moment is will forever be a gift left with me from Savannah.

I’ve personally found it difficult that family and friends are so hesitant to talk about our loss, I understand it’s probably in fear of not knowing what to say but I want to always keep her memory alive so talking about her and saying her name helps me feel like she hasn’t been forgotten.

Savannah was so deeply wanted, so fiercely loved & will forever be our little angel girl in the sky.

Thank you to Abbey, Savannah’s mother, for sharing her story.