May 18th 2021 the day my baby’s heart stopped beating. To be honest, for a moment it felt like my heart stopped beating too.
The day started like every day in my pregnancy with my sweet son Noah Alexander. I woke up, did my morning routine, had breakfast and started my work day. At 1pm that day I had a scheduled midwife appointment for my birthing plan, I was 37 weeks pregnant. My doula and I arrived a little early to the appointment so we chatted in the waiting room. We laughed about how the labour would go and what Noah would be like. My midwife came out into the waiting room to get us, greeting us both with a smile and a hug. After an hour of chatting about my birthing plan my midwife asked me to hop on the table to check the heartbeat of my baby. After a few minutes it was clear she could not find his heartbeat. Calmly she invited in another midwife whom also after several minutes could not find the baby’s heartbeat. They then brought me into a special room with a monitor to do a bedside scan. In a moment I knew, Noah had died. Their faces told the story before they even uttered a word. Instead of confirming Noah has died they said, “let’s get you to the hospital to see what exactly is going on, with better equipment.”
En route to the hospital I whispered to Noah fighting back my tears, “Noah my love, kick for mummy, kick for mummy.” As the short ride which felt like eternity neared the end I knew the truth… Noah was dead. My husband Ryan met me at the hospital. As he entered the room my whole body was shaking. I laid down as they prepped me for yet another scan. Then they said the dreaded words…
“I am so sorry we cannot find a heartbeat.”
My husband screamed in agony. He shouted. “Find the heartbeat! This is my son. He is 37 weeks this cannot be happening!”
The midwife calmly said, “I am so sorry sir he has passed away.”
We headed to another “more professional” scan in another wing of the hospital to officially confirm Noah’s death. The woman said, “yes I can confirm your son has died.”
I looked at my husband and burst into tears. In that exact moment 4.06pm May 18th the old Malaine died forever… never to return.
Crossing the threshold of the doorway back into the maternity ward I emerged another woman. A different woman. One who would never be privy to life without child loss. From that day forward everything became before Noah’s death and after his death.
Two days later I was back at the same hospital to be induced and give birth to my forever 3rd son, Noah. The dream of my at home water birth, gone. The dream of completing my family of all boys, gone. And instead emerged new dreams, new desires and a new normal of living.
Noah’s birth was quite honestly the most sacred birth of all my boys. It was magical. Yes there was pain, sorrow, grief, sadness BUT there was also beauty, divinity and true love present. After 5 hours of a natural labor with minimal pain relief Noah was born vaginally with ease. Noah was born at 10.53pm on May 20th 2021 with the cord tightly wrapped several times around his neck. It was clear (and later tests confirmed) he died from a cord accident. Instead of the loud cries he was silent. The room was silent. My midwife whispered softly to me, “He’s here Malaine, Noah is here.” She wrapped him in a cloth and laid him on my chest. I didn’t cry. I said over and over again, “Noah I just love you so much. So much Noah. I love you so so much.” My husband gently rubbed my arm and put his hand on Noah. He exclaimed, “our son is perfect, he looks just like his brothers.”
Over the coming days we spent with Noah we simply filled them with cuddles, tears and unconditional love. Oh and tons of photos. Until the moment Noah was taken away he was loved unconditionally. Noah IS still loved unconditionally.
Walking out of the hospital that day I felt like a stranger in my body. The world seemed to be flashing by me. Flowers flowed in, as did meals, cards and love from our community. I was simply blown away.
Noah came into our lives and completely reconstructed who we BE on every level. I am honored to be the mother a soul so courageous that he was willing to sacrifice not coming to earth. Instead he chose to be with us spirit side so that he could guide us every step of the way.
My Noah, my brave boy, changing the world in so many ways.
Written by Malaine Butler – mother of Noah Alexander Butler